A Hard Day’s Knight
by Ek01
Summary: (Original story, (loosely) based on King Arthur) An extremely comic medival fantasy about a young woman who defies expectation and stereotypes in order to save her kingdom.
1. Ye Olde Legend

Long ago, in a distant land, lived a just and righteous king who ruled over the people with an iron fist...yet loved them as well, and would do anything for them. He one day married a queen from a visiting land, and they were soon blessed with a beautiful young girl...

But that girl grew older, and more rebellious, and with her rebellion, she manifested a permanent curse within her mortal body.

The royal sorcerer, a young woman by the name of Kiyseha, said that this princess is unlike any other—because of the way her parents had treated her (which was normal in those days) like an object, she would become taken by a horrifying beast at night and dragged away to its lair.

Kiyseha never said what the beast was, however, for she was impaled by the spear of an Orc during a late-night attack on the kingdom.

But the king and queen knew that someday there would arise a great soul who would free their beloved daughter from the horrible self-bestowed curse.


	2. Ye Knight Practice

It was a lovely day in Camelot, the peasants were going about their day, as per usual, selling and purchasing various things. Over within the castle's walls, the king's knights were going over practice (beheading scarecrows as practice, fake jousting), and flexing their muscles.

Lancelot, was one of these knights, and while he was lifting weights, he noticed something very strange...

A white horse leapt over the castle walls, with its owner, a young woman with dark hair, and a lovely, freckled face. She wore a white top with brown pants and boots, and she was absolutely kilin' it at the Knight practice—she beheaded every scarecrow, and sent the man who was jousting flying into the air.

"AGH! KATRISHA! HOW MANY TIMES DO I GOTTA SAY IT?!" Lancelot exclaimed. "NO WOMEN AT KNIGHT PRACTICE!"

"Oh, bugger all, Lance, times are changing!" Katrisha exclaimed as she dismounted her steed. "This is the 15th Century! I can do whatever a dude can!"

"Like hell you can't..." Lancelot grumbled.

"Like now! Watch this—Hey, you!" Katrisha told one of Lancelot's friends, who had fallen asleep. "SIR INSOMIA-LOT!"

"...HMM?!" The knight awoke and looked around.

"Can you shoot an arrow from your crossbow...into...uh...let's see here...OH! THAT!" Katrisha pointed at a massive oak tree as tall as one of the towers of Camelot. "Cause I could TOTALLY climb it."

"Oh nay thou shan't!" Lance said.

"Oh yea I shall!" Katrisha replied.

"OH NAY THOU SHAN'T!"

"OH YEA I SHALL!"

"OH NO I SHAN'T!"

"OH YES THOU SHALL!!" Lancelot exclaimed at the top of his lungs, before catching what he said. "...wait, what?!"

"THANKS SO MUCH, LANCE!" Katrisha exclaimed just as Lance's friend fired the arrow at the tree. "HIYAH!" She exclaimed as she clambered up the tree with nothing more than her bare hands.

"GOOOO KATRISHAAAAA!!" One of the knights exclaimed.

Lance immediately elbowed the knight.

"Uh, I mean...booooo Katrisha!" The Knight replied.

But Katrisha had completely scaled the tree, flipped off one of the branches, and stuck the landing.

"HA!" Lance exclaimed. "You didn't even get—"

Katrisha slammed the arrow on the ground in front of Lance.

"The...arrow." Lance responded, dumbfounded.

"See! I CAN do what a dude can!" Katrisha replied.

"Pssh!" Lancelot shrugged. "Does the KING ever call you for missions to save the kingdom?!"

"No..." Katrisha said. "But does he ever call a pompous horse's buttock like you on a mission anymore?!"

Lancelot slightly frowned, for she was right.

"Yes." He replied. "BUT I ART NOT THY HORSE'S BUTTOCK, WENCH!"

"Oh, really?" Katrisha asked. "Turn around..."

Lancelot turned to find that he was facing the buttocks of Katrisha's horse.

"AGH!" He said. "OH MERLIN, WHY?!" Lance stumbled back, until he fell into the mud.

Suddenly, one of the servants of the king approached and said to Katrisha;

"Good scullery maid, thou art needed in the King's throne room."

"What th—" Katrisha replied.


	3. Ye Quest Starteth

Katrisha dismounted her horse and approached the vast castle of Camelot. The ancient doors opened, to reveal Arthur, a man now in his 30's seated upon the throne. He had been king for a very long time, and always knew his way out of a problem, but he looked very troubled before Katrisha.

"Katrisha, do you know why I have called you here today?" He asked.

"Nay, sire." Katrisha said.

The king took in a deep breath, then spoke.

"...My daughter, the Princess Gwendolyna has been away from me for far too long..." the king said to Katrisha. "Every year as I grow older, I continue to miss her ever so..."

"So, uh, what d'ya want time to do about it?" Katrisha asked.

"Nothing." The king replied, "That is why I am sending a better man out to retrieve my daughter for me...he is...the Black Knight!"

A massive man, wearing mostly black armor strode out. He bowed before the king, Katrisha gave him a condescending look.

"My noble boy," the king said. "Go forth, and return my little girl to me."

"YES SIRE!" The black knight exclaimed, giving the king a salute. He was just about to walk out the door, when the king stopped him.

"Before you leave," the king said. "Do take my Excalibur with you. It helped me in my time of need, now it shall help you."

"Thank you, my king..." the black knight said, observing the sword and placing it into his holster. "I will not let you down!"

Katrisha grumbled as the black knight left the castle. Suddenly, she had an idea...

As the black knight was mounting his horse (also black), Katrisha snuck up from behind him, and whacked him on the head with a massive rock, making him fall into the moat.

"AUGH! LORD HAVE MERCY!!" The black knight yelled.

While the black knight was getting his face torn off by alligators, Katrisha grabbed his armor and placed it onto her body. She took Excalibur as well, hoping that she too, could wield the great power bestowed into the sword. She then leapt onto her horse, and rode off down the cobblestone pathway, into the unknown forests.

————————

Meanwhile, far from this conversation in the next village over, there occurs another story. A local wizard stays up past dawn sometimes, trying to develop the perfect spells that will be the greatest in all the world.

A little brown rabbit lay about inside of a gilded cage, wearing a cape and white gloves on his front paws. He looked out the cage, and saw his master working away.

"Master," the rabbit said. "What's it like being out there with all those people and such?"

"None of your buisness, Craig." He old wizard said.

"But it's gotta be my business, cause you're always goin' out there and not dyin' or nothin'!" Craig protested, banging his cage about.

"Craig, I told you a million times—I am the master, and you..." the wizard paused.

"I'm not saying it." Craig said, thumping his foot.

"AND YOU..." the wizard continued.

"...and I..." Craig groaned very loudly. "...I'm your little fuzzy buddy."

"What was that?" The wizard asked, still somewhat angry.

"IM' YOUR LITTLE! FUZZY! BUDDY!!" Craig yelled. "SHEESH!"

"That's right." The wizard said.

The wizard continued to work on perfecting his spells. Craig grumbled and slumped back into his cage. Suddenly, he had an idea...

"Uh, wizard?" He said.

"Yes?" The wizard asked. "Have you more existential crisis questions?"

"Noooo.." Craig said. "I was wondering if you could gimmie a carrot?"

"Okay..." the wizard sighed. "Just let me put the key to your cage down..."

The wizard left the key nearest Craig's cage, much to Craig's delight. While the wizard was searching for a carrot in his fridge (he's a time traveler), Craig opened the door to the cage, and shoved the wizard into the fridge, locking it with a key and chain.

"CRAIG!" The wizard exclaimed. "WHAT ARE YOU—"

"I'm no man's little fuzzy buddy!!" Craig replied, then jumped out the window. "AU REVOIR, SUCKAAA!!"


	4. Entereth, Craig the Bunny!

Katrisha had been walking for some time now, until she eventually came to a crossroads—two paths in her way. She wondered which path she should take, until something strange emerged from the forest nearest the side of a mountain. She raised Excalibur in defense, awaiting for what would come...

But instead, a small rabbit popped out. He was brown-furred, he wore a purple cape with a jewel, he had enormous eyes, and for some strange reason, he had white gloves.

"Hi!" The bunny said. "My name is Craig, and I, uh—"

At that very moment, a herd of centaurs emerged from the side of the mountain. The leader was shirtless and incredibly muscular, as he looked around, his long hair whipped as well.

"HERD! AT-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!" The lead centaur yelled.

"CENTAURS!!" Craig exclaimed. "RUUUUUUUN!!"

"GAH!" Katrisha exclaimed, then the small rabbit took her hand.

The centaurs followed the woman and rabbit, firing multitudes of arrows, and tossing multitudes of axes, swords, and other weapons. Then, they hid behind a massive tree to catch their bated breath.

"WHY ARE THEY AFTER US?!" Katrisha exclaimed as they ran.

"...cause the leader snorted in my face so I called his mom a glue factory reject." Craig replied.

Katrisha immediately slapped the talking bunny upside his face.

"Are you DENSE?!" She yelled. "Centaurs are a WAR RACE!!"

"Uh, I knew that.." said Craig, clearly lying.

Katrisha knew that centaurs were indeed a war race, but they couldn't climb trees, so she clambered up a massive one, and jumped from tree to tree, very much like a primate. Once they were completely out of the way, they gave signs of relief knowing that they were okay.

"So, what are you even supposed to be?" Katrisha asked, picking him up.

"I'm your uh..." Craig stuttered before remembering something the wizard had told him; "Familiar! Yeah, that's it."

"What's that?" Katrisha asked in a condescending tone.

"Okay, uh, look..." Craig removed his ears from the woman's grasp. "Everyone's got a familiar—it's an animals that's their...spirit...and stuff."

"And...my spirit animal is an ugly little, goofy rabbit?" Katrisha replied.

"HEY!" Craig exclaimed. "You best WATCH IT there pal or imma use my powers on you!"

"Oh yeah?" Katrisha asked. She leaned in closer and pointed at herself. "...try me."

"HHHGGRRRNNNNNNGFFFH!" Craig exclaimed, then bought out a massive, leather-bound grimoire, flipping through pages. He laughed once he finally turned to a page, and rolled a multi-sided dice.

"..._**cwningen pŵer dod allan ysgyfarnog**_!" Craig exclaimed.

A massive blast of pink lightning shot out from Craig's hands, but fizzed our before it could even hit Katrisha.

"Oh, wow." Katrisha said, yawning. "Am I scared."

"Gimmie a break." Craig said. "I'm still in training."

"And yet you're somehow my "familiar", even with training wheels," Katrisha snarked yet again.

"Pssh!" Craig exclaimed. "What's a WOMAN like you doin' out here anyway? Shouldn't you be out cookin' for some MAN?!"

"Hell no." Katrisha said. "I've been asked by the king to save the princess Gwendolyna."

"Oh, you mean the dragoness?" Craig asked. "The cursed princess?"

"What cursed princess?" Katrisha asked. "All's I know is that she's being held captive by a dragon!"

"You really don't get it, do ya, sister?" Craig replies, leaning on a branch.

"Don't get what?" Katrisha replied.

"She's not just captured by the dragon." Craig said. "...That princess IS the dragon!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAT TH—" Katrisha replied. "Then who do I save?!"

"Don't worry." Craig said. "We just gotta get there..."

The two continued to walk through the forest as birds chirped overhead.

"...this'll all make sense soon." Craig said again. "...I hope."


	5. Ye Faerie Queen and lord of Draconicfolk

A blast of light came into a small kingdom hollowed out from a massive, old tree, having seen Katrisha and Craig.

"There are intruders afoot, my lord." the faerie spoke to the faerie king. "I do believe they mean to cause us harm."

The faerie king was an elderly man that wore green and gold armor. His face was thin, with a long, whisky beard draped atop his enormous muscles.

"Find then at once, Rosalind, my assassin," the king said. "And murder them in cold blood. That is the will of the kingdom, that intruders are not meant to see the magic of the Faeries...the way I see it, it's show folks your pixie dust today, end up powering a human's toaster tomorrow!!"

"Yes, my lord." Rosalind said, baring a small (yet durable) axe made from a stick and a bear tooth.

The small faerie flew off into the woods, where, using her tracker skills, she managed to find the intruders in an instant. Then, she waited for the right moment to strike...

—————

Katrisha eventually found her black knight armor was pretty hot, so she took it off, and kept the gloves and boots, as well as the helmet and Excalibur.

"Sooooo, you're not actually the black knight?" Craig asked.

"Nope." Katrisha said.

"Aw, man!" Craig replied. "Well, if you're not the black knight, then, where is he? And why have you been impersonating him this whole time?"

""Because the king doesn't think a woman can hold her own against the forces of evil", blah blah blah..." Katrisha briefly had a deep voice while mocking the king.

"That's NUTS!" Craig exclaimed. "Of course a woman can hold her own! A man can, so why not? It's the 14th Century, for dang sake!"

"That's exactly what I'm tellin' all those people!" Katrisha replied.

"Wait, hold on..." Craig said. "Im picking up some danger..." his rabbit ears started to love slightly, he moved them around like a set of TV antennae.

"Riiiight...over there!"

Just as the rabbit pointed at the exact location of the danger, they both could hear a very loud flittering, quite like a bird. Craig and Katrisha squinted their eyes to find that it was a small faerie with a "pixie" cut (haha!) holding what appeared to be an axe made from a stick and a bear tooth.

"...mmmDEEEEEATH TO THE OPPRESSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!!" She exclaimed.

"Holy CRAP!" Katrisha exclaimed. "A FAERIE!!"

"I GOT IT!" The rabbit exclaimed, leaping up and catching it with both his front paws.

"Be CAREFUL WITH THAT CRAIG!" Katrisha exclaimed. "They're DANGEROUS!"

Suddenly, Craig noticed that he was started to levitate by his hands. He tried to pull himself back down, but the faerie kept flying.

"HOLD STILL YA LITTLE!!" Craig exclaimed, struggling to grasp the faerie. "WHO ARE YOU?"

"They call me ROSALIND!" The faerie exclaimed. "The assassin for King Oberon of the Faerie Folk...you aren't meant to see us, so just skedaddle back to whatever dark hole you crawled out from!"

"Dang..." Katrisha said. "A lotta words for such a small thing."

"We're trying time reach the lair of Gwendolyna...the, uh, dragon-woman?" Craig asked. "Yeah. You seen it? We're gonna take her back to Camelot."

"Nope." Rosalind replied. "What, if I do wanna see it, you'll gimmie some kinda reward?"

"Well, now that you mention it, yeah." Craig replied.

"Okay then, I'm comin'!" Rosalind exclaimed and grasped her bear tooth axe closely.

"Are you sure?" Katrisha asked.

"Yep." Rosalind replied.

"Okay, then." Craig said.

"So, once we get the dragon and take her back to the kingdom, can I have your blood for the honor of the Faerie King?" Rosalind asked, a huge smile upon her face. "Besides—Human blood's got LOTS of FAT in there!!"

"Watch it, Tinkerbell." Katrisha replied.

Our heroes continued to walk, until they began to notice the land was looking somewhat charred and burnt. Few trees grew in this area, and volcanic ash blew along the mysterious winds.

"It's so...quiet." said Craig, his ears down in slight fear.

"It's too quiet.." Katrisha said, drawing Excalibur.

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"*

A red dragon came blowing fire from above. Katrisha raises her sword to attack the dragon, suddenly the dragon stops flying.

"WOAH WOAH WOAH CAREFUL WITH THAT THING!!!!" The dragoness exclaims.

"Uh, why?" Katrisha asks. "I'm tryin' to KILL you with it!"

"You don't wanna kill me with EXCALIBUR!" The dragoness replies.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Katrisha asks.

"The name," spoke the dragoness. "Is Pyronnika. The Lord of the dragons."

"Where's your crown?" Katrisha asked.

"Dragons don't need crowns..." Pyronnika said. "I have only a title—a birthright that was given to me as a young hatchling from my father; Coal. But that strange dragon, the one called Gwendolyna had challenged me to a duel for the title. She's twice as tall and thrice as wide as I once was, so I am queen no longer."

"That's not true!" Katrisha said. "A lord does NOT get beaten!"

"Well looky here sister, THIS ONE DID!" Pyronnika responded. "And I wanna get my title back no matter WHAT it takes!"

"You should tag along." Craig said. "We're tryin' to bring the princess back to the kingdom where she rightfully belongs and stuff!"

"I don't think so, not with all them humans tryin' to hunt me down and kill me." Pyronnika said. "Besides, they totally cant handle my awesome rock..."

The dragoness picked up what appeared to be a battle axe, except it has strings attached to it much like a lute. When she strummed this strange thing, it sounded like the whine of a demon and felt like lightning raining down from above.

"That is TOTALLY COOL!!" Katrisha said. "You sure you don't wanna go with us?"

"Fine." Pyronnika said. "But on ONE condition—I gotta fight her in order to get my dragon lord powers back."

"A'ight." Katrisha said.


	6. Ye Orc Attack!

"So you roll your dice, move your mice, and say a spell and it instantly happens?" Rosalind asked.

"Yep." Craig said, smiling. "My master has taught me the many great ways of the ancient magical art, extracted from the dungeons and dragons of the known flat earth..."

"Okay, cool, cool, cool, but HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?!" Rosalind asked, super eager.

"I think you're about to find out..." Craig said.

"LOOK OVER THERE!" Pyronnika replied.

One million orcs descended from the forests, all roaring and hooting in a savage manner. They were all either muscular or obese, in varying shades of green skin. Every Orc wore a loincloth and carried some kind of weapon, be it a sword, a spear, a dagger, or even a mace. The females only wore leaves over their huge breasts—which made this situation all the more uncomfortable.

"Ah crap." Katrisha said. "We got company."

"WAT DIS?!" The king of the orcs said.

"IT LOOK LIKE DA FRESH MEAT!" Another Orc exclaimed.

"WHUT A BUNCHA LOOOOOOOOO-SE-EEEERSS!!"

All the orcs laughed ever so riotously at the state that our four heroes were in.

"Well, why don't you FIGHT US and see who the loser is then!" Pyronnika exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Craig replied.

"VERY WELL!" The king of the orcs said. "ATTTAAAAAAACK!!"

The orcs raised their weapons and chargers directly at Katrisha and company.

"Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder

I was caught

In the middle of a railroad track

I looked round

And I knew there was no turning back"

"Try an' git by me, GIRLY!!" An Orc exclaimed.

"What did you call me?" Katrisha asked.

"I CALLED YOU G—"

Katrisha instantly kicked the Orc in the groin. The massive beast fell down with a "THUD!". Then, she slashed its arm off with Excalibur.

"My mind raced

And I thought what could I do

And I knew

There was no help, no help from you

Sound of the drums

Beating in my heart

The thunder of guns

Tore me apart"

"YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BRUH?!" Katrisha exclaimed.

The Orc groaned in pain.

"YEAH! I DIDN'T THINK SO!!" Katrisha replied.

"You've been

Thunderstruck

Rode down the highway

Broke the limit, we hit the town

Went through to Texas, yeah Texas, and we had some fun

We met some girls

Some dancers who gave a good time"

"...marwolaeth FFLAMLYD!!" Craig exclaimed after he'd turned to the correct page of his spell book and rolled a 5.

The spirit of a great, red dragon emerged from his cartoony, gloved fingertips and manifested itself as pure flame, burning half of the Orc army. Craig was surprised to see that it actually worked, despite having been burnt to a crisp.

"AWESOME!!" Pyronnika and Rosalind exclaimed.

"Broke all the rules

Played all the fools

Yeah yeah they, they, they blew our minds

And I was shaking at the knees

Could I come again please

Yeah them ladies were too kind

You've been

Thunderstruck

I was shaking at the knees

Could I come again please"

Rosalind used her bear-tooth axe and faerie powers to kill an enormous Orc, while Pyronnika blew her flames and used her axe to smash the other Orcs on their heads.

"Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck

It's alright, we're doin' fine

It's alright, we're doin' fine, fine, fine

Thunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah

Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck

Thunderstruck, baby, baby

Thunderstruck, you've been Thunderstruck

Thunderstruck, Thunderstruck

You've been Thunderstruck"

Once all the orcs lay around our heroes, completely dead, Katrisha, Craig, Pyronnika, and Rosalind looked up, panting from the intense battle.

All 3,000 orcs had just been slain by them.

"Well," Katrisha said. "Gotta admit, we make a great team!"

"You said it." Craig replied.

"HUZZAH!!" Pyronnika exclaimed and did an epic solo.

"You GOTTA teach me how to do that." Rosalind replied.


	7. Meanwhile

Within the stone, stronghold enclosure of the castle, Arthur patiently awaited any sign of the Black Knight's success. He sat atop his grand throne, until one of his servants burst through the door, completely out of breath.

"SIRE!" Exclaimed the servant.

"What is it?!" The king asked.

"The Black Knight..." the servant panted. "He's...missing. And, quite possibly dead."

"Who could have done this?" Arthur exclaimed.

"We believe that it was that young woman, Katrisha." The servant responded. "But she is far beyond any of our kingdom's borders, so, regrettably, there is nothing that we can do."

"KAAAA-TRIIIIIII-SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" Arthur boomed in anger.

——————

At the foot of the castle, Gwendolyna slept, in her human form—a blonde girl with a slender body, clad in a ripped pink dress. From the distance, a griffin emerged and perched nearest her shoulder, waking her by touching her lightly with his beak.

"Haro'teh..." Gwendolyna spoke. "Do tell me the good news..."

The griffin whispered in her ear, making the cursed princess smile with malicious joy.

"Yes..." Gwendolyna laughed. "They are approaching!"

Gwendolyna thought, and focused on the first aspect of her transformation from human to dragon.

"Let's see them real with THIS "damsel in distress"..." she laughed and sneered.


	8. Ye “Last” Unicorn

Craig took out a mandolin and started to play as the band moved foreword across the vast land. Our four heroes continued to walk along, over mountains, through rivers, until they reached a particularly lush glade, and Rosalind stopped.

"Oh great." She said.

"What is it?" Katrisha asked.

"We're in the Unicorn Glade." Rosalind replied. "I freakin' hate this place."

"Why's it all that bad?" Pyronnika asked.

A slender, white unicorn looked up from eating the magical grass that grew nearest a tree, and started trotting over to Katrisha, Pyronnika, Rosalind, and Craig. The unicorn stopped once he reached them, batting those long eyelashes and letting that golden hair flow all around with rose petals on the wind, creating a beautiful scene, that is, until it opened its mouth. That unicorn had extremely huge buck teeth and a tiny beard as well, despite the pink bow on its ear.

"What th—it's a DUDE?" Katrisha asked.

"GRRRREATINGS, PEASANTS.." the unicorn laughed extremely haughtily, until a mucus bubble emerged from his nose. "I, am Auguste..."

"...okay, now I can totally see why you meant this place sucks, Rosalind." Pyronnika said.

"I BET THAT YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO HUMBLED TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF I, THE LAAAAAAAAST UNICORN, right?" Auguste snorted yet again and trotted over to flash his enormous teeth at Pyronnika. "to GAZE at a unicorn, to SMELL the air around it, to even THINK about such a creature, is like viewing DIVINITY ITSELF! A-ha-hah!"

"So, you're seriously the last unicorn?" Katrisha asked.

"...oh, INDUBITABLY!!" Auguste exclaimed. "There is NO OTHER CREATURE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AS CHARMING AND BEAUTIFUL AS ME! Why, they take my spit, bottle it up, and use it as a miracle wonder-drug in PARUGUAY!"

"I beg to differ." Katrisha said.

"OY VEY!!" A voice exclaimed.

Everyone turned around and saw a unicorn that looked so much like Auguste, except he was very muscular and though he had feminine eyelashes, he also had a very angular male chin.

"WHA' DA HELL'S GOIN' ON??" The unicorn exclaimed. "IM' TAKIN' MY WALK TRU DA MUSHROOM FAREST AN' I CAN'T ELP BUT EAR' SOME MESSHUGANEH FARKAKTE KID TALKIN' BOUT' HOW EE'S DA LAYAST OF US!"

"Who are you?!" Auguste exclaimed. "What gives you the right to address me as such, you INNNSOLANT RUFFIANS!?"

"Is name's Bobby." Another unicorn, (this one had blue fur) said. "An' I'm Joey. Now, er, ah...who da hell is you?"

"I," the unicorn introduced ounce again, batting his womanly lashes and letting his long, golden hair flow. "...am Auguste, the LAST UNICORN!!"

The unicorn struck a very sexy pose (which would have been, were he a female), which left the others unimpressed. Then, both unicorns looked at each other, snickered, then laughed.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" Both the unicorns laughed.

"EH JOEY! GIT DIS! DIS GUY, "AUGUST", TINKS EE'S DA LAYAST UNICORN! WHAT A MA-ROON!!" Bobby laughed.

"YEAAAAA, QUIT YA FANTASIES, YA SICK YUTZ!" Joey responded.

In the time while the other unicorns proceeded to mock Auguste for his so-called "last unicorn" title, the band of heroes left. And they had to, as they were now at the dragon's castle.


	9. Ye Dragoness’s Laire

Finally, our heroes have reached the dragon's lair (thank you once again, captain obvious).

Atop this enormous, brick constructed, practically desolate castle, was Gwendolyna, lying atop a massive amount of gold, gemstones, and jewelry from past civilizations—not to mention all the armor she had collected from all the "boyfriends" that tried to kill her in the past five years or so. She napped, and while she did, she created a massive cloud of smoke that covered the entire atmosphere of the castle, giving it a truly ominous vibe.

But that was not the only ominous thing about this castle, nay...

The moat surrounding the castle was nothing but lava, tens and thousands of feet deep. At the bottom of the castle, lay a tribe of completely bald Amazon women, wearing nothing but animal skins and carrying crude spears, patrolled the area, snarling at the rays and attempting to hunt them down for food. At the top of the castle, griffons flew around, screeching and squawking at everything that dared to come past the castle.

"Uh..." Craig spoke. "After you?"

Katrisha placed one foot on the bridge, causing it to creak very loudly. Gwendolyna did not even notice though, she simply twitched in her sleep, and rolled over slightly.

Slowly, Katrisha, Craig, Pyronnika, and Rosalind walked across the extremely small bridge to the lair. The lava started to burst out even more, making a nearby bird catch on fire and fall to the ground.

"...mmrgh.." Pyronnika mumbled as the heroes carefully walked across the bridge. "We're not gonna save the princess like THIS, are we?"

"No." Katrisha said. "In order to not fall from this bridge, we gotta move carefully."

"Oh, and by carefully, I assume you mean AMBLE ALONG LIKE A SMALL, DEFENSELESS HATCHLING?!" Pyronnika exclaimed.

"And that's another thing." Katrisha said. "We also gotta be quiet. Unless you wanna get barbecued by Godzill-ette over there..."

In the distance, lay Gwendolyna. While she slumbered, a knight approached, holding his sword and shield, hoping to wake her up. Without even awakening, she burnt the knight to a crisp.

"IM OKAYY!!" The knight exclaimed.

Then, Gwendolyna's tail hit him and he fell to the ground.

"...IM STILL OKAAAAYYYYY!!" The knight responded, voice breaking.

Suddenly, from the distance, the bald women approached Katrisha, Craig, Pyronnika, and Rosalind. They were not only gray, as it turned out, but they had red scales as well, some had dragon-like feet, eyes, tail, even dragon-like heads and wings. Then, the muscular, thin leader approached, clad in a loincloth and atop of fabric over her huge breasts, as well as ancient runes on her left arm. She carried a spear in the right arm, and looked very much like she would use it eventually.

"Uh...who are you?" Craig asked.

"We DRAGON WOMEN!" The bald, gray lady said. "Welcome to sacred land, since you trespass on sacred ground of mighty dragon lord, WE KILL YOU NOW!!"

The tribe of bald, nearly gray people cheered and blew fire from their mouths. Some even held sharp spears and made war screeched with their tongues.

"Oh...uh...did I forget to tell you about the tribe of the dragon women?" Pyronnika asked.

"WHAT?!" Katrisha exclaimed.

"Yeah, they're what, half woman, half dragon? I dunno how the HELL that was able to happen, but they are also worshippers of the dragon lord, and they kill every third male born into the tribe!" Pyronnika responded. "BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT—RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!"

The heroes dashed away from the dragon-women as quickly as possible. Katrisha picked a few up and tossed them into the lava of the volcano below.

"GET THE DOOR! GET THE DOOR! GET THE DOOOOOOOOR!!" Rosalind exclaimed.

Once they arrived at the lair, they slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a massive chunk of wood.

"Well, glad that's over..." Craig said.

From behind the heroes, completely dwarfing them, was a massive dragon that appeared to be colored a very deep pink. It had enormous claws, teeth, and green eyes, and despite the girlish color its scales had, it was still very, very intimidating.

"Oh, shit." Craig said, voiding his nervous bladder. "...Spoke' too soon."


	10. Ye Epic Battle!

"Welcome one and all..." Gwendolyna said in her dragoness form. "...To the END, OF THE WORLD!!"

The cursed princess stood tall, laughed maliciously and blew a huge flame.

"...Gwendolyna, this isn't you!" Katrisha exclaimed. "You should come back to the kingdom—Arthur is missing you greatly!"

"WHY SHOULD I?!" Gwendolyna boomed, knocking over a mountain that nearly killed the heroes. "AFTER ALL, ALL HE'S EVER DONE FOR ME IS TREAT ME LIKE IM' AN OBJECT!"

"This is the 14th Century!" Katrisha exclaimed. "You need to show him that you're not to be taken lightly."

"I AM showing him!" Gwendolyna exclaimed. "I'm showing him with this horrible curse bestowed upon me since my birth! If you wanna take me back to the castle, I CHALLENGE THEE TO A DRAGON DUEL!!"

Gwendolyna slammed the ground. Slowly, lava started to trickle out and become a larger pool. Katrisha, Craig, Pyronnika, and Rosalind were all on a separate rock, trying to remain in one place.

"Okay, huddle you guys..." Katrisha said.

Everyone got together, while Gwendolyna flew about and blew fire.

"Here's what's gonna happen..." Katrisha said. "I'm gonna—"

"Okay, hold UP HUMAN!" Pyronnika exclaimed.

"What?" Katrisha replied.

"I HAVE to fight her, remember?" Pyronnika asked. "My title's at stake here, people!"

"Sounds like a FRIGGIN' SWEET DEAL!!" Craig exclaimed.

"Yeah, that may be true..." Katrisha replied. "But what if we were to fight her off together?"

"Okay..." Pyronnika replied. "I accept."

"Me too!" Rosalind replied.

"Alright, let's join hands!" Katrisha replied.

All four heroes placed their respective hand, claw, paw, etc, together, and looked at each other, massive grins on their faces.

"Ready?" They all said in unison. "...BREAK!"

"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games

We got everything you want honey, we know the names

We are the people that can find whatever you may need

If you got the money, honey we got your disease"

Gwendoylna dove at Craig, but Craig pulled out his multi-sided die and rolled a certain number.

".. carreg y NEIDR!" He exclaimed, smashing Gwendolyna with a huge, enchanted rock.

"Jungle, welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees

Uh I, I wanna watch you bleed"

Katrisha leapt up and used Excalibur to create a huge gash on the side of Gwendolyna's face. Once the dragoness was very much in pain, she kicked her in the face to create even more pain.

"TAAAKE THIS!" Rosalind exclaimed and blasted faerie dust into Gwendolyna's eyes.

"Welcome to the jungle, we take it day by day

If you want it you're gonna bleed but it's the price to pay

And you're a very sexy girl, very hard to please

You can taste the bright lights, but you won't get there for free"

"How bou' THIS?!" Pyronnika yelled and played an epic rock solo within one of Gwendolyna's massive ears.

"In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

Uh, I, I want to hear you scream"

Gwendolyna stubbed back, feeling her throbbing ears in pain. Pyronnika leapt back up to her face and blew a massive flame right at her. Once the flames cleared, Gwendoylna's face was charred black. She shook the charcoal off rapidly, but not before the smaller dragon placed a claw right into her nostril, sticking the claw through the skin, causing her to roar very loudly.

"Ugh..." Pyronnika said, noticing her entire hand was covered in bloodied boogers. "I am NEVER doing that again..."

"Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day

You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play

If you got hunger for what you see, you'll take it eventually

You can have everything you want but you better not take it from me"

Gwendolyna had an idea—she started to clamber atop one of the massive mountains nearest the side of her kingdom. As Katrisha and the gang followed, she used her big tail to create a huge avalanche and send the four heroes down to the ground.

"In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees

Uh ah, I'm gonna watch you bleed"

They tried and tried to escape in the quickest way possible, but they could not. Gwendolyna gave a malicious laugh as she viewed the misfortune of the situation they were in...

"And when you're high you never ever wanna come down

So down, so down, so down, yeah

You know where you are?

You're in the jungle baby

You're gonna die"

"Oh GREAT!" Pyronnika exclaimed. "WE'RE TRAPPED!"

Katrisha and Craig tried to lift up the rocks along with Rosalind, but it was no use. Suddenly, little Craig got an idea!

"In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees

In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine"

"...The only way we can defeat her once and for all," said Craig, "...is if I were to roll a 20 on my enchanted die!"

"Well, I am a faerie," Rosalind said. "So what if u were to use my magic to MAKE you get a 20?"

"Brilliant!" Katrisha exclaimed. "Now we gotta hurry!"

"In the jungle welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n knees, knees

Down the jungle, welcome to the jungle,"

Gwendolyna raised up her massive foot for a finishing blow, and started to slowly bring it down upon the heroes. Craig began to roll his dice very quickly, as Rosalind began to conjure up her faerie magic.

"EWCH Â HI ALLAN!!" Craig exclaimed and rolled the dice.

Because of Rosalind's faerie magic, the dice landed on a 20, creating a huge laser bolt. Pyronnika lit the laser bolt on fire, and all of them watched as it landed directly on Gwendolyna.

"Watch it bring you to you

It's gonna bring you down, huh"

THUD!!!*

Gwendolyna fell to the ground at last. The lava stopped flowing, and dawn was beginning to break over the land.

"YEAH!" Craig exclaimed.

Everyone whooped along with the small rabbit and high-fived.

"So...how're we gonna bring her back to the castle?" Rosalind asked.

Suddenly, beams of light flashed all around Gwendolyna, signifying that the curse had lifted. They quickly went away and there Gwendolyna stood in her human form.

"Oh." Rosalind said.


	11. Ye Quest Hath Endedeth (sorta)

And so, the lovely princess Gwendolyna had been returned to the kingdom with Katrisha, Craig, Pyronnika, and Rosalind. She promised to never again assume her dragon form, and Arthur made a law that all women shouldn't be treated as objects.

Katrisha, unlike what most people thought, didn't become a princess along with Gwendolyna, instead, she became the totally badass bodyguard to Gwendolyna, and, much to Lance's chagrin, one of the knights as well.

Rosalind established peace between the faerie people, the centaurs, the humans, and even the orcs!

Pyronnika's dragon lord rights had been given back to her—and boy did she miss being at her true size. As she became dragon lord once again, she decreed her first act would be to have a BBQ where all creatures would be welcomed.

Craig became a full-time wizard who would perform shows for the local village kids. Instead of the wizard pulling him out of his hat like all those other times before, HE pulled the WIZARD out instead!

All in all, the wrongs committed by the kingdom of Camelot were finally made right, and everyone could truly, for once in their life, live Happily Ever After...perhaps.

Thy Endeth...or Doth It Endeth?!


End file.
